Jokes......you got 'em, post 'em!

[DigitalBoy0101]

Subject: GOOD Questions---





For your enjoyment 0r perhaps annoyance!










Can
you cry under water?


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How
important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why
do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once
you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
for eternity?


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Why
does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What
disease did cured ham actually have?


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How
is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why
is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?


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Why
are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on the ground?


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Why
do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're
going to see you naked anyway.


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Why
is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Why
do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?


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Can
a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


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Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours?

They're both dogs!


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If
Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?


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If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?


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If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?


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Do
the Alphabet
song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why
did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why
do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it
a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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Did
you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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[rutroe]

^^^^Those are good!

[bangbangskeetskeet]

^^^^Those are good!

You sang the songs didn't you?

[r.barn]

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What
disease did cured ham actually have?

Well, Swine Flu of course ............ duh

hehe

[cjriojas]

Can
you cry under water?

People cant breathe under water so they cant physically cry. But tears can come out of the tear ducts
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How
important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

More important than you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Because you waste more time actually vocalizing your thoughts so you have to pay more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once
you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
for eternity?

No, you get issued new clothes. everyone wears the same thing
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why
does a round pizza come in a square box?

Transportation purposes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What
disease did cured ham actually have?

This one has been answered
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How
is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?

Because people still had other people still had other people to pull their luggage around
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why
is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

When babies sleep, they dont like to be disturbed and look peaceful when they are asleep
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why
are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Because you go in a cinema to watch a movie but TV is only ever seen on the TV
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Because people make it their life to find worthless things to spend money on
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're
going to see you naked anyway.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why
is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

You have 2 butt cheeks
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Toasters are not just for sliced bread loaves. There other forms of bread the need higher settings to get cooked
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

If you dont like the song then dont sing it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can
a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

It doesnt matter, the highways get shutdown for funeral transportations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours?
They're both dogs!

Walt Disney was a racist Bastard and still believed people should own other people
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If
Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

He enjoys the sport of hunting like most Americans.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

Baby oil is made for the use on babies
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

Morality comes from morals, morons give the gift of stupidity
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet
song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Yes they do
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
did you just try singing the two songs above?

I didnt
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it
a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Asteriod belongs to the astros.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did
you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Pretty sure a nice cool breeze feels good on your face but if someone blows on you real hard with their bad breath and spit you would want to knock them out.

[pl4yboy]

Can
Why
is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

You have 2 butt cheeks

You have two boobs too.

[cjriojas]

You have two boobs too.

A brassier is a support system. A shelf holds multiple books but is not referred to as shelves.

[Aphotic]

hahahahahah!!! i like bikes

A brassier is a support system. A shelf holds multiple books but is not referred to as shelves.

good come back!!!

[DigitalBoy0101]

Any similarities to real people in entirely coincidental
Subject: : HELLO Tech Support




HELLO Tech Support

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: ' Sir, those are the hours that we are open..'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
--------------------------------------------- -------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change
The steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
Told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write
The number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
Point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I PERSONALLY LOOOOVE THIS ONE!!!>>>

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should
Have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline,
Which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to
Say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
Went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
Type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
Plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose.. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'