Jokes......you got 'em, post 'em!

[DigitalBoy0101]

Subject: GOOD Questions---





For your enjoyment 0r perhaps annoyance!










Can
you cry under water?


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How
important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why
do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once
you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
for eternity?


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Why
does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What
disease did cured ham actually have?


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How
is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why
is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?


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Why
are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on the ground?


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Why
do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're
going to see you naked anyway.


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Why
is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Why
do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?


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Can
a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


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Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours?

They're both dogs!


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If
Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?


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If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?


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If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?


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Do
the Alphabet
song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?


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Why
did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why
do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it
a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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Did
you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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[Botlfed]

2 old men get drunk and decide to go to a whore house, they walk in ask for 2 rooms, well the pimp not wanting to waste 2 girls on these old drunk farts, puts blow up dolls in thier rooms and tells em go on up. lights are off and theyre ready for ya. The next morning the 2 old men discuss thier adventure the 1st one chuckles and says guess im not as good as i used to be, mine just layed there didnt make a sound, 2nd old man says i think mine was a witch, i bit her on the neck and she flew out the window and took my damn teeth with her.

[sprayedenali]

so a horse walks into a bar...

[r.barn]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS = Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS = Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on the collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

[Lilcowl327]

^^^ wow thats freakin funny!

[Lilcowl327]

Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.
As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision. ''I have some good news and some bad news,'' the Chevy told the Ford. ''The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here--NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it.''
''So what's the bad news?'' the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.
''The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race.''



A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.
Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. ''To fix the dents in the body,'' he said, ''drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.''
Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. ''Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!''

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. ''Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse,'' the farmer said.
The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. ''Is this all your land?'' he asked.
''Yes,''the Israeli said proudly. ''This is all mine!''
''You mean this is it? This is all of it?'' the Texan said incredulously.
''Yes, yes, this is really all mine!''
''Well, son," said the Texan,''back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!'' Oh, yes,'' replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, ''I used to have a car like that.''


Someone at the auto repair shop locked the owner's keys inside his car. While the locksmith was working on the driver's-side door lock, the anxious owner walked up and tried the passenger's-side door. It opened.
The locksmith looked up. ''Yeah, I already got that one.''

[bangbangskeetskeet]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS = Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS = Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on the collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

That was epic.

[DigitalBoy0101]

Speaking of balls, I read a joke in Reader's Digest a long time ago (10 years+). I might not get it completely right, but I'll try to tell it as I remember it.

The Commandant of the Marines and Chiefs of Staff of the Army, Air Force, and the Navy were having a nice dinner together. Naturally, each one bragging that his Branch was better, the conversation turned competitive.

"Marines have more balls than all of your people put together!" boasted the Marine Commandant.

"You're crazy, my people have more balls because they go in before all the rest of you!" retorted the Air Force General.

The debate raged with no end in sight. Finally, it was agreed that the issue would be settled by demonstration at their respective bases. The order of the demonstrations was settled by drawing straws.

The Marine Commandant was up first. Striding onto a live firing range, the Commandant roared at the first rifleman he encountered "Marine!".

"Sir, yes sir!" replied the Gunnery Sergeant with a crisp salute.

"Do you see that live machine gun nest over there?" asked the Commandant. "I want you to charge straight at it and don't stop until I order you to!"

"Yes sir!" hollered the Marine as he sprinted into the withering gunfire, where he was promptly torn to shreds.

"You see, men?" asked the Commandant. "Now THAT takes balls!"

The Army General's turn was next. They again met on a live-fire range, this one for tanks. "Soldier!" he bellowed at a nearby troop.

"Sir, yes sir!" shouted the Corporal as he ran up to the group of men and saluted.

"Soldier, I want you to stand right in the path of that approaching tank, and don't move until I order you to!" snarled the General.

"Yes sir!" exclaimed the Corporal as he ran and assumed his post. The Corporal promptly departed this earth in spectacular fashion.

"Did you see that?" exclaimed the Army General proudly. Now THAT takes balls!"

Now it was time for the Air Force General's turn. They met at a secret, remote air base. "Caaaaptain!" he shouted at a fighter pilot.

"Sir, yes sir!" exclaimed the fighter pilot with a crisp salute.

"Son, I want you to get in your jet and climb to 30,000 feet and then dive straight at the ground. Do not pull up until I order you to!"

"Yes sir!" was the Captain's reply as he raced to his jet. Meeting his target altitude he began his screaming dive to the earth. The order to pull up was never given and he crashed in a violent fireball.

"Now THAT, gentlemen" said the General haughtily "takes balls!"

Last up was the Navy Admiral. They met on the deck of an aircraft carrier for the final demonstration.

"Sailor!" the Admiral grunted to a nearby deckhand.

"Sir, yes sir!" the Seaman replied with a salute.

"Sailor, I want you to climb to the Crow's Nest on the highest mast and wait for my order!"

"Yes sir!" exclaimed the Seaman as he dashed away.

Some minutes later the Seaman was in position. "Sailor, now jump!" shouted up the Admiral.

"F*** you, Admiral!" floated down the reply.

The Admiral turned to the other officers with a triumphant smile. "Now THAT, gentlemen, takes balls!"

[DigitalBoy0101]

^^Yes, I really just typed that up from memory and by hand^^

[foggy]

this will top them all.
For your entertainment... - LS1TECH