new jokes

[bud8fan]

>Dear Tech Support:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
>that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
>lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
>itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
>activity.
>
>Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
Fishing

>7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
>selected.
>
>I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run

>my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend
>7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
>
>Please help!
>
>Thanks,
>A Troubled User
>
>(SEE REPLY BELOW)
>______________________________________
>
>REPLY:
>
>Dear Troubled User:
>
>This is a very common problem about which men are complaining.
>
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
>is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING

>SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
>impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
>impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
>once installed.
>
>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
>not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
>Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and
>work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
>application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
>
>The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
>ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
>system will return to normal anyway.
>
>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
>Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
>3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
>
>However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
>cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this
>happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
>purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
!
>
>WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With
Short

>Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause

>irreversible damage to the operating system.
>
>Best of luck,
>Tech Support

[bud8fan]

Subject: FW: Doctor's Story

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken

[bud8fan]

> While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old
Massachusetts
> farmer whose hand had been caught in a fence while working his
> livestock, a doctor and the farmer were talking about Senator John
Kerry
> possibly being in the White House one day as the President of the
United
> States.
>
> The farmer said, "Well, you know, that Mr. Kerry is what we farmers
call
> a 'post turtle'."
> Not knowing what the farmer meant, the doctor asked him what a post
> turtle was.
>
> The farmer said, "You know. When you're driving down a country road
and
> you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
> post turtle."
>
>
> The farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued
to
> explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong
> there, he can't get anything done while he's up there and you just
want
> to help the poor dumb bastard to get down so he can just crawl away!"

[bud8fan]

George jr. and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar drinking when Dick Cheney walked in.

"What are you doing?" asked Cheney

"We are deciding what to do about Iraq." answered Bush.
"Have you made any decisions?" the vice President wanted to know.

"Yes" said Bush
"We are going to kill one hundred and forty million Iraquies and one big titted blond."

Confused the vice president asked "But why do you want to kill a big titted blond?'

Smiling, Bush Jabbed Colin Powell in the ribs with an elbow and holding one hand out said. Pay up smart ass! I told you no one would give a shit about the one hundred and forty million Iraqis!

[rosscob]

A guy walks into a bar and pulls a mini-grand piano out of his knapsack and places it on the bar. Then he takes a small piano player out of the sack who proceeds to play the piano and sing show tunes.

The bartender thinks this is the greatest thing in the whole world and inquires where the patron got them.

The Patron explains that he found a magic genie in a bottle who granted him a wish, and that if the bartender wanted to make a wish also it would be permitted in exchange for free drings the rest of the evening.

The bartender agreed immediately took the genie out of the bottle and wished for a million bucks.

Suddenly the bar filled up with ducks that were squawking, flapping and pooping all over everything that drove all the remaining customers out.

Upset the bartender explained the patron that he was gypped. He didn't as for a million ducks he asked for a million bucks!

The patron reply’s:




And you thing I asked for a 12 in pianist?

[bud8fan]

good one!!!!

[jerry2500]

Subject: rectum stretcher?

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she
replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A
rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she
said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
side
until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6
foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gu n and park him behind a
bridge." she responded.

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on Cop's face.......... PRICELESS

[GMCwantsLS1]

> Boudreaux's 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter
> tells her parents she
> thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to
> the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit. The test
> result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who
> 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!"
>
>
> The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
>
> Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of
> Boudreaux's house. A
> mature and distinguished man with gray hair,
> impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps
> out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the
> living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl
> and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has
> informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
> because of my personal family situation, but I'll
> take responsibility.
>
> "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail
> stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000
> bank account. If a boy is born, my
> legacy will be a couple of factories and a
> $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory
> and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
> miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
>
> At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent,
> places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
> him, "'Den you try agin!"

[TXsilverado]

theres a fly flying over a lake

theres a fish in the water who thinks "if that fly drops 2" i can jump up and eat that fly"

theres a bear sitting on the bank thinking to himself, "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly and i can jump out and get the fish"

theres a hunter on the other side of the lake thinking, "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly and that bear will go after that fish and i can shoot the bear"

theres a mouse behind the hunter thinking, "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly, the bear will jump out and get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich and i can get the sandwich"

theres a cat behind the mouse thinking "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly, the bear will jump out and get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich and when that mouse goes to get the sandwich i can pounce on the mouse"

as fate would have it, the fly dropped 2", the fish ate the fly, the bear jumped out after the fish, the hunter shot the bear and dropped his sandwich, the mouse ran out to get the sandwich but when the cat pounced after the mouse he missed and fell into the lake.

the moral of the story?
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when the fly drops 2" the pussy gets wet.

[ULuze2]

thanks I needed that