funny stuff

[bud8fan]

happy birthday:



Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy
birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will
remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left
for
the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,
Boss.
Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's
such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to
lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
"Let's
go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private
little
place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful
day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"



I said, "No, I guess not."



She said, "Let's go to my apartment."



After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable"

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a
huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of
our
friends, all singing Happy Birthday.



And I just sat there ---- on the couch ---- naked



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[jerry2500]

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside
service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sens e of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before." Sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy Shit."

[bud8fan]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will
happen!

Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[bud8fan]

Subject: How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments
>
>
>
> God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that
> will make your lives better."
>
> >And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
> >
> >And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
> >
> >"Can you give us an example?"
> >
> >"Thou shalt not kill."
> >
> >"Not kill? We're not interested."
> >
> >----------------------
> >So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
> >
> >And the Mexicans wanted an example,
> >
> >And the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
> >
> >"Not steal? We're not interested."
> >
> >--------------------
> >
> >He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
> >
> >The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
> >commit adultery."
> >
> >"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
> >
> >------------------------
> >
> >He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
> >"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
> >
> >"They're free."
> >
> >"We'll take 10."

[bud8fan]

----- > Ain't It The Truth.....Please enjoy. Some of these were new to me.

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK They know me here.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and theirs.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "that was fun!"-

20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk"

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

[bud8fan]

a good one for the kids:

Subject: Fw: Horses


> >Wait for the entire screen to load up with all four horses and a fence
> > > in front of them. Then click on each horse. Make sure your sound is
> > > > on. Re-click on any horse to make it turn off or turn it back on
> > > > again. Somebody did some real wizardry of programming to coordinate
> > > > this! TRY CLICKING ON THE HORSES FROM LEFT TO RIGHT THEN RIGHT TO
LEFT
> > > > AND THEN JUST ONE OR TWO AT A TIME... IT'S FUN AND A GOOD STRESS
> > > > RELIEVER!!! HAVE FUN!!
> > > > <http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaH...r/hestekor.swf

[bud8fan]

mind reader...it really works:

Cool Puzzle This will boggle your mind...Take your time and follow the
instructions. To advance, click on his hitchhiking moving thumb.
After reading each window click on the boy in the lower right corner.


In the last window type in your numbers in the white box.*****
************************************************** *******


You will be amazed....and no, I don&#39;t know how it&#39;s done...

Click here: http://digicc.com/fido/

[GMCwantsLS1]

Thanks guys I needed a laugh today and haven&#39;t laughed so hard in a long time&#33;