funny stuff

[ULuze2]

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the
email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and
friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw
the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[jerry2500]

hahahahaha

[docgreen9]

[jerry2500]

OK Here'a another one.

Just a weeeee bit



"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, ! the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

[severed ties]

[bud8fan]

ok you guys...you'll started this:this is called POST TURTLE.



While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old
Massachusetts
> farmer whose hand had been caught in a fence while working his
> livestock, a doctor and the farmer were talking about Senator John
Kerry
> possibly being in the White House one day as the President of the
United
> States.
>
> The farmer said, "Well, you know, that Mr. Kerry is what we farmers
call
> a 'post turtle'."
> Not knowing what the farmer meant, the doctor asked him what a post
> turtle was.
>
> The farmer said, "You know. When you're driving down a country road
and
> you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a
> post turtle."
>
>
> The farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued
to
> explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong
> there, he can't get anything done while he's up there and you just
want
> to help the poor dumb bastard to get down so he can just crawl away!"
to help the poor dumb bastard to get down so he can just crawl away!"

[bud8fan]

little johnnys at it again:


Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained
that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when
they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little
nose and really beautiful eyes."

"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20
vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit outta luck if he needed glasses."

[bud8fan]

The Ladies' Room!!

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the
attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW, WA, PP, & ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.


He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

[jerry2500]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John
accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When
he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Bill's wife Melissa wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged
red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get
some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see
anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her
boldness, John courageously admitted that, well
indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he
is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's
house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Melissa the
agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly
dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and
upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.
"Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Melissa answered "Why yes, he
did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out
and after mustering her best poker face, replied,
"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised
his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John
came by the office this morning and borrowed $500
from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[bud8fan]

he he he he :




> > Subject: Understanding Engineers
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
> > Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
> >"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well,
> >I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
> >woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all
> >her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
> >approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
> >
> > To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
> >glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
> >needs to be.
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
> >
> > A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> >particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
> >guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I
> >don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey,
> >here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George!
> >Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't
> >they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
> >fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
> >year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent
> >for a moment, then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
> >special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
> >going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
> >can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
> >
> > What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
> >Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build
> >targets.
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
> >
> > The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
> >graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate
> >with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with
> >an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
> >
> > Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
> >possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
> >engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
> >electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
> >connections." The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil
> >engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
> >area?"
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
> >
> > Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> >Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
> >yet.
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT
> >
> > An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
> >was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
> >he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
> >relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
> >the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like 'em
> >both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
> >will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
> >to the lab and get some work done."
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE
> >
> > An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
> >him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
> >bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
> >again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
> >I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his
> >pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
> >out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you
> >and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
> >it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
> >matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you
> >for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer
> >said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
> >talking frog, now that's cool."