Joke Time

[jerry2500]

Needed to livin' it up here.


Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put
up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry
and Proctology." ?

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the
doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." ?

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to
satisfy the council they changed the sign to
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go. ?

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."
Thumbs down again. ?

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Still not good. ?

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds."
Unacceptable again. ?

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way. ?

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. ?

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh. ?

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. ?

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it. ?

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up
with ?

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

[jerry2500]

Subject: My Son

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest-room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became
so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he
became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific!? M y son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the rest-room and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the
three said: "We were talking
about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your
son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed.? He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[TXsilverado]

hahahha

[SIERRA ON FIRE]

lol

[JayBo]

Heres a short one everyone's probably heard, but I like it.

What do caviar and Michael Jackson have in common???




They come on little white crackers.

[2k5Squirrel]

Originally posted by JayBo@Jul 29 2005, 06:41 AM
Heres a short one everyone's probably heard, but I like it.

What do caviar and Michael Jackson have in common???




They come on little white crackers.

but still wrong

[TXsilverado]

what did the lady say to michael jackson on the beach.


get out of my sun(son)

[storm5.3]

Two older couples are enjoying a game of cards, when the ladies get up to powder their noses.

One of the men says, "My wife and I tried that new restaurant on 5th Avenue and the beef was the best I've ever tasted. I'd really recommend it."

The other man says, "Really? I didn't know there was a new restaurant on 5th. What's the name?"

The first man starts to squint and is obviously really concentrating. Finally he says, "What's the name of that flower?"

The second says, "Gardenia?"

"No, the red one"

"Carnation?"

"No, the one you give to a girl you like."

"A Rose?"

The first man's eyes light up and he shouts, "Yeah, that's it! Hey, Rose! What's the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?"

[jerry2500]

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right
before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing
down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[jerry2500]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
genie,"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a
good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.