new jokes

[GMCwantsLS1]

Two mountain boys, David and Larry, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. David turns to Larry and says, "You know, I'm tard of going through life without an education. Tommorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Larry thinks it's a good idea the two leave.

The next day, David goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, english, history and logic.

"Logic?" David asks. "What" zat?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, David shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Larry at the bar.

He tells Larry about his classes, how he has signed up for math, english, history and logic.

"Logic?" Larry asks. "What's zat?"

David says "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Yore queer ain'tcha Larry?"

[storm5.3]

Oldie but goodie LOL hahaha...

[bud8fan]

[bud8fan]

here ya go:



> The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about
his
> skills as a hunter.
>
> The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
>
> But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling
it,
> and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating
the
> bullet hole.
>
> This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated
> argument
> started.
>
> The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up
the
> drinks, and the bet was on.
>
> They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.
>
> After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then
he
> felt
> for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
>
> He was right!
>
> The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than
> before.
>
> When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was
> prepared to do it again for another round.
>
> So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they
brought
> a
> skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
>
> He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion."
Fingering
> the
> bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."
>
> He was right again!
>
> This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills
over
> and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.
>
> Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
>
> The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell
of a
> shiner.
>
> So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but
not
> too
> drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this
> black
> eye?"
>
> His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
>
> "What did I do?" he asked.
>
> She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties.
Then
> you
> fiddled around a bit and announced, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"

[bud8fan]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The

> Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the



> Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I

> kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first

request?"

>

> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods



> and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's



> ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns

> with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief

> watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the

night.

>

> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

>

> "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in

> two days.

>

> What is your second request?"

>

> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought

> to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

>

> As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the



> horizon.

>

> Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

> this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the

blonde.

>

> She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

>

> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are

> indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

>

> What is your last request?"

>

> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

>

> The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone



> Ranger's tent.

>

> Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks

> him square in the eye and says,

>

> "Listen carefully dumb-ass, I said "BRING POSSE!"

[bud8fan]

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." SAID MILDRED

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL".

"I THOUGHT SO TOO, " SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN".

[bud8fan]

> An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a
> > > > >sperm count.
> > > > >
> > > > > The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
> > > > >
> > > > >"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
> > > > >tomorrow."
> > > > >
> > > > >The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
> > > > >doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean
> > > > >and empty as on the previous day.
> > > > >
> > > > >The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
> > > > >
> > > > >"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right
> > > > >hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still
> > >nothing.
> > > > >Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
> > > > >hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
> > > > >first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
> > > > >still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
> > > > >and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and
> > > > >she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
> nothing."
> > > > >
> > > > >The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
> > > > >
> > > > >The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
> > > > >we still couldn't get the jar open."

[bud8fan]

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at
> Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age
> had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began
> reading a book.
>
> Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,
> sir," how are you?
>
> "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
>
> "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked
>
> "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and
> again turned back to his book.
>
> "Do you live around here?" she asked.
>
> "Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.
>
> Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you
> like pussycats?"
>
> With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto
> hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate
> ride of her life!
>
> As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,
> "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
>
>
>
> The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

[storm5.3]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet
> for his birthday.
> After looking around, she found that all the pets
> were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she
> didn't want to spend a fortune.
> "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large
> bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
> "Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
> "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them
> this month," he said.
> > The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and
> what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
> When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,
> he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed
> happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act
> again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the
> noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and
> crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her
> husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
> "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
> The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to
> cook, you're gone."

[storm5.3]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
> cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
> The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
> pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
> you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
> license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
> will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the
> lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
> bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
> and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."