new jokes

Two mountain boys, David and Larry, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. David turns to Larry and says, "You know, I'm tard of going through life without an education. Tommorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Larry thinks it's a good idea the two leave.

The next day, David goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, english, history and logic.

"Logic?" David asks. "What" zat?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, David shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Larry at the bar.

He tells Larry about his classes, how he has signed up for math, english, history and logic.

"Logic?" Larry asks. "What's zat?"

David says "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Yore queer ain'tcha Larry?"

Oldie but goodie LOL hahaha... :laugh: :rofl:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

here ya go:



> The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about
his
> skills as a hunter.
>
> The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
>
> But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling
it,
> and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating
the
> bullet hole.
>
> This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated
> argument
> started.
>
> The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up
the
> drinks, and the bet was on.
>
> They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.
>
> After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then
he
> felt
> for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
>
> He was right!
>
> The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than
> before.
>
> When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was
> prepared to do it again for another round.
>
> So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they
brought
> a
> skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
>
> He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion."
Fingering
> the
> bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."
>
> He was right again!
>
> This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills
over
> and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.
>
> Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
>
> The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell
of a
> shiner.
>
> So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but
not
> too
> drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this
> black
> eye?"
>
> His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
>
> "What did I do?" he asked.
>
> She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties.
Then
> you
> fiddled around a bit and announced, "Skunk, killed with an ax!" :lol:

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The

> Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the



> Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I

> kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first

request?"

>

> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods



> and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's



> ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns

> with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief

> watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the

night.

>

> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

>

> "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in

> two days.

>

> What is your second request?"

>

> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought

> to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

>

> As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the



> horizon.

>

> Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,

> this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the

blonde.

>

> She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

>

> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are

> indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

>

> What is your last request?"

>

> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

>

> The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone



> Ranger's tent.

>

> Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks

> him square in the eye and says,

>

> "Listen carefully dumb-ass, I said "BRING POSSE!"

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET AND ENTERED THE THEATER. HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." SAID MILDRED

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL".

"I THOUGHT SO TOO, " SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN".

> An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a
> > > > >sperm count.
> > > > >
> > > > > The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
> > > > >
> > > > >"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
> > > > >tomorrow."
> > > > >
> > > > >The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
> > > > >doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean
> > > > >and empty as on the previous day.
> > > > >
> > > > >The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
> > > > >
> > > > >"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right
> > > > >hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still
> > >nothing.
> > > > >Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
> > > > >hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
> > > > >first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
> > > > >still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
> > > > >and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and
> > > > >she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
> nothing."
> > > > >
> > > > >The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
> > > > >
> > > > >The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
> > > > >we still couldn't get the jar open."

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at
> Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age
> had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began
> reading a book.
>
> Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,
> sir," how are you?
>
> "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
>
> "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked
>
> "First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and
> again turned back to his book.
>
> "Do you live around here?" she asked.
>
> "Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed reading.
>
> Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you
> like pussycats?"
>
> With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto
> hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate
> ride of her life!
>
> As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,
> "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
>
>
>
> The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet
> for his birthday.
> After looking around, she found that all the pets
> were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she
> didn't want to spend a fortune.
> "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large
> bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
> "Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
> "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them
> this month," he said.
> > The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and
> what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.
> When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,
> he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed
> happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act
> again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the
> noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and
> crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her
> husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
> "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
> The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to
> cook, you're gone."

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
> cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
> The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
> pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
> you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
> license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
> will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the
> lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
> bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
> and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

haaha this might be the longest thread on the site lol

Cajun Math Test

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred....So, when I start?!"

>What do you call a deer with no eyes?
NO-EYE-DEER!



>What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
STILL NO-EYE-DEER!



>What do you get when you cross an rhinoceros with an elephant?
ELE-IF-I-KNOW!



>A string tries to get into a bar and the boucer won't let him in saying the policy is that no strings are allowed! The frustred string twists and contorts himself and ruffles his hair and tries to get back in the bar. The bouncer recognizes him at once and tells him he can't let a string in the bar. The string replies "I'm A-Frayed-Knot?

A young man from Tuscaloosa, AL (yes this is an Alabama Dig, but no harm is meant. War Eagle!), bring his fiancée home to meet his parents. He's extremely proud, because she is really beautiful, wealthy and smart; however what he finds most attractive is that she's still a virgin.

When the boy tells his father about the girl's his father explodes into a tirade and announces his disapproval saying "Son...If she's a virgin we know she's not good enough for her own family. What makes you think she'll be good enough for ours?"

Quote:

---

Originally posted by rosscob@May 16 2005, 07:00 AM
>What do you call a deer with no eyes?
NO-EYE-DEER!



>What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
STILL NO-EYE-DEER!



>What do you get when you cross an rhinoceros with an elephant?
ELE-IF-I-KNOW!



>A string tries to get into a bar and the boucer won't let him in saying the policy is that no strings are allowed! The frustred string twists and contorts himself and ruffles his hair and tries to get back in the bar. The bouncer recognizes him at once and tells him he can't let a string in the bar. The string replies "I'm A-Frayed-Knot?

---

You must of got a box of Cracker Jacks this weekend :point:

Bee Sting



A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help ... and to complain.



Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," she said. "Where," he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.



He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide." :lol:

here's you one to get you in trouble at work..but your kids will enjoy :smile:




Fw: Horses


Subject: Fw: Horses


> >Wait for the entire screen to load up with all four horses and a fence
> > > in front of them. Then click on each horse. Make sure your sound is
> > > > on. Re-click on any horse to make it turn off or turn it back on
> > > > again. Somebody did some real wizardry of programming to coordinate
> > > > this! TRY CLICKING ON THE HORSES FROM LEFT TO RIGHT THEN RIGHT TO
LEFT
> > > > AND THEN JUST ONE OR TWO AT A TIME... IT'S FUN AND A GOOD STRESS
> > > > RELIEVER!!! HAVE FUN!!
> > > > <http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaH...r/hestekor.swf

Cool Puzzle This will boggle your mind...Take your time and follow the
instructions. To advance, click on his hitchhiking moving thumb.
After reading each window click on the boy in the lower right corner.


In the last window type in your numbers in the white box.*****
************************************************** *******


You will be amazed....and no, I don&#39;t know how it&#39;s done...

Click here: http://digicc.com/fido/
>>

> Subject: How The Jews Got The 10 Commandments
>
>
>
> God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that
> will make your lives better."
>
> >And the Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
> >
> >And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
> >
> >"Can you give us an example?"
> >
> >"Thou shalt not kill."
> >
> >"Not kill? We&#39;re not interested."
> >
> >----------------------
> >So He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
> >
> >And the Mexicans wanted an example,
> >
> >And the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
> >
> >"Not steal? We&#39;re not interested."
> >
> >--------------------
> >
> >He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
> >
> >The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
> >commit adultery."
> >
> >"Not commit adultery? We&#39;re not interested."
> >
> >------------------------
> >
> >He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
> >"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
> >
> >"They&#39;re free."
> >
> >"We&#39;ll take 10."

> > Subject: Understanding Engineers
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE
> > Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
> >"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well,
> >I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
> >woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all
> >her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
> >approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn&#39;t have fit."
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO
> >
> > To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
> >glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
> >needs to be.
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE
> >
> > A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> >particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What&#39;s with these
> >guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes&#33;" The doctor chimed in, "I
> >don&#39;t know, but I&#39;ve never seen such ineptitude&#33;" The pastor said, "Hey,
> >here comes the greens keeper. Let&#39;s have a word with him." "Hi George&#33;
> >Say, what&#39;s with that group ahead of us? They&#39;re rather slow, aren&#39;t
> >they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that&#39;s a group of blind
> >fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
> >year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent
> >for a moment, then the pastor said, "That&#39;s so sad. I think I will say a
> >special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I&#39;m
> >going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there&#39;s anything he
> >can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can&#39;t these guys play at night?"
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR
> >
> > What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
> >Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build
> >targets.
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE
> >
> > The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
> >graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate
> >with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with
> >an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX
> >
> > Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
> >possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
> >engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
> >electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
> >connections." The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil
> >engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
> >area?"
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN
> >
> > Normal people believe that if it ain&#39;t broke, don&#39;t fix it.
> >Engineers believe that if it ain&#39;t broke, it doesn&#39;t have enough features
> >yet.
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT
> >
> > An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
> >was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
> >he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
> >relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because
> >the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like &#39;em
> >both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
> >will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
> >to the lab and get some work done."
> >
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE
> >
> > An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
> >him and said, "If you kiss me, I&#39;ll turn into a beautiful princess." He
> >bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
> >again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
> >I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his
> >pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
> >out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I&#39;ll stay with you
> >and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
> >it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
> >matter? I&#39;ve told you I&#39;m a beautiful princess and that I&#39;ll stay with you
> >for a week and do anything you want. Why won&#39;t you kiss me?" The engineer
> >said, "Look, I&#39;m an engineer. I don&#39;t have time for a girlfriend, but a
> >talking frog, now that&#39;s cool."

>Dear Tech Support:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
>that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
>lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
>itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
>activity.
>
>Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and
Fishing

>7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
>selected.
>
>I can&#39;t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run

>my favorite applications. I&#39;m thinking about going back to Girlfriend
>7.0, but the uninstall doesn&#39;t work on Wife 1.0.
>
>Please help&#33;
>
>Thanks,
>A Troubled User
>
>(SEE REPLY BELOW)
>______________________________________
>
>REPLY:
>
>Dear Troubled User:
>
>This is a very common problem about which men are complaining.
>
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
>is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING

>SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING&#33;&#33;&#33; It is also
>impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
>impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
>once installed.
>
>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
>not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
>Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and
>work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
>application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
>
>The best course of action is to enter the command C:&#092;APOLOGIZE because
>ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the
>system will return to normal anyway.
>
>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
>Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
>3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
>
>However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
>cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this
>happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
>purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
&#33;
>
>WARNING&#33;&#33;&#33; DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With
Short

>Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
cause

>irreversible damage to the operating system.
>
>Best of luck,
>Tech Support

Subject: FW: Doctor&#39;s Story

A young redhead goes into the doctor&#39;s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You&#39;re not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I&#39;m actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken :lol: :lol: :lol:

> While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old
Massachusetts
> farmer whose hand had been caught in a fence while working his
> livestock, a doctor and the farmer were talking about Senator John
Kerry
> possibly being in the White House one day as the President of the
United
> States.
>
> The farmer said, "Well, you know, that Mr. Kerry is what we farmers
call
> a &#39;post turtle&#39;."
> Not knowing what the farmer meant, the doctor asked him what a post
> turtle was.
>
> The farmer said, "You know. When you&#39;re driving down a country road
and
> you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that&#39;s a
> post turtle."
>
>
> The farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor&#39;s face, so he continued
to
> explain, "You know he didn&#39;t get there by himself, he doesn&#39;t belong
> there, he can&#39;t get anything done while he&#39;s up there and you just
want
> to help the poor dumb bastard to get down so he can just crawl away&#33;"

George jr. and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar drinking when Dick Cheney walked in.

"What are you doing?" asked Cheney

"We are deciding what to do about Iraq." answered Bush.
"Have you made any decisions?" the vice President wanted to know.

"Yes" said Bush
"We are going to kill one hundred and forty million Iraquies and one big titted blond."

Confused the vice president asked "But why do you want to kill a big titted blond?&#39;

Smiling, Bush Jabbed Colin Powell in the ribs with an elbow and holding one hand out said. Pay up smart ass&#33; I told you no one would give a shit about the one hundred and forty million Iraqis&#33;

A guy walks into a bar and pulls a mini-grand piano out of his knapsack and places it on the bar. Then he takes a small piano player out of the sack who proceeds to play the piano and sing show tunes.

The bartender thinks this is the greatest thing in the whole world and inquires where the patron got them.

The Patron explains that he found a magic genie in a bottle who granted him a wish, and that if the bartender wanted to make a wish also it would be permitted in exchange for free drings the rest of the evening.

The bartender agreed immediately took the genie out of the bottle and wished for a million bucks.

Suddenly the bar filled up with ducks that were squawking, flapping and pooping all over everything that drove all the remaining customers out.

Upset the bartender explained the patron that he was gypped. He didn&#39;t as for a million ducks he asked for a million bucks&#33;

The patron reply’s:




And you thing I asked for a 12 in pianist?

:point: :point: :point: good one&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;

Subject: rectum stretcher?

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What&#39;s your hurry?" To which she
replied, "I&#39;m late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I&#39;m a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A
rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she
said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
side
until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
until it&#39;s about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6
foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gu n and park him behind a
bridge." she responded.

Traffic Ticket &#036;95.00

Court Costs &#036;45.00

Look on Cop&#39;s face.......... PRICELESS

> Boudreaux&#39;s 21-one-year-old, unmarried daughter
> tells her parents she
> thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to
> the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit. The test
> result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who
> &#39;dat pig what did you like &#39;dis? I want to know&#33;"
>
>
> The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
>
> Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of
> Boudreaux&#39;s house. A
> mature and distinguished man with gray hair,
> impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps
> out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the
> living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl
> and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has
> informed me of the problem. I can&#39;t marry her
> because of my personal family situation, but I&#39;ll
> take responsibility.
>
> "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail
> stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a &#036;1,000,000
> bank account. If a boy is born, my
> legacy will be a couple of factories and a
> &#036;2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory
> and &#036;1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
> miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
>
> At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent,
> places a hand firmly on the man&#39;s shoulder and tells
> him, "&#39;Den you try agin&#33;"

theres a fly flying over a lake

theres a fish in the water who thinks "if that fly drops 2" i can jump up and eat that fly"

theres a bear sitting on the bank thinking to himself, "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly and i can jump out and get the fish"

theres a hunter on the other side of the lake thinking, "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly and that bear will go after that fish and i can shoot the bear"

theres a mouse behind the hunter thinking, "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly, the bear will jump out and get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich and i can get the sandwich"

theres a cat behind the mouse thinking "if that fly drops 2" that fish will jump up and get the fly, the bear will jump out and get the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich and when that mouse goes to get the sandwich i can pounce on the mouse"

as fate would have it, the fly dropped 2", the fish ate the fly, the bear jumped out after the fish, the hunter shot the bear and dropped his sandwich, the mouse ran out to get the sandwich but when the cat pounced after the mouse he missed and fell into the lake.

the moral of the story?
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when the fly drops 2" the pussy gets wet.

:point: thanks I needed that